


"When a Lovely Flame Dies, Smoke Gets In Your Eyes"

by shouldbeover



Series: The Blue Moon Set [7]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Period Typical Attitudes, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Sexism, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, War, War sucks, breaking up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 15:08:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12368352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shouldbeover/pseuds/shouldbeover
Summary: Rescued from Zola, Bucky knows he has to sacrifice himself to save Steve.





	"When a Lovely Flame Dies, Smoke Gets In Your Eyes"

**Author's Note:**

> Left in present tense to preserve immediacy.
> 
> "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" - Jerome Kern, Otto Harbach, from "Roberta", 1933
> 
> All I can say is sorry. We had to get there eventually to get somewhere else later.

There’s a burning under his skin that he can’t fight. It’s not pain; it’s more like a caged animal trying to get out. As they march back to camp he wishes he could go back in time. WHY, oh why did he tell Bob Dolan at basic training that he’d look up his sister and take her out when he got back to Brooklyn? Why did he ask her to find a friend for Steve? Well, he knows the answer to that. He just wanted to be near Steve even if he couldn’t be with him. He should have stayed in that night with Steve, in Steve’s new one room apartment, in Steve’s bed. He knew he had to go home to his parents for at least a little while before shipping out. But they could have had a few hours. If he’d never dragged Steve out then Steve wouldn’t have met Erskine. He’d have continued to be rejected until he finally found a factory job, safely far away from the war, to satisfy his pride. He wouldn’t have met Erskine, and Erskine wouldn’t have turned him into this…this war machine wrapped up as patriotic propaganda.

Of course, if Steve hadn’t gotten the strength he always wanted, then he wouldn’t have been there to save Bucky and the others, and Bucky would probably have died. Maybe he did die on that table. Or at least Bucky Barnes, the happy-go-lucky, charmer from Brooklyn died. He’s not that man anymore. He’s happy that the other men were saved, but maybe if Zola hadn’t succeeded with Bucky he would have given up and the others would have all spent the war in the relative safety of a POW camp. A lot of maybes.

Steve’s still looking at him like he’s that other guy, Bucky Barnes. Well, until the dame comes along. Then he only has eyes for her, as it should be. Boy meets girl, they fall in love. It’s what he used to want for Steve, certainly what Steve’s mother wanted, not whatever perverted, secret thing he and Steve have. Had.

Bucky isn’t Bucky and Steve…isn’t Steve. Better that their past be buried with the ghosts of their former selves. Better that Steve never come back to Bucky because Bucky isn’t sure he can keep the animal caged forever. He’s not even sure he wants to. He’d rip Zola apart with his bare hands if ever found him again. He even thinks he’d rip Erskine to shreds if he wasn’t already dead for what he did to Steve.

He used to worry all the time that Steve would die. He was terrified that Steve would die while Bucky was away at war, and he’d have to mourn the love of his life in secret. But this…he almost, almost wishes that Steve had died in his own bed. But he has to follow him back into battle, even if the guy is built like an Adonis now, he’s not indestructible. Has to have Steve’s six. It’s in his bones and blood to protect Steve. He’d maybe die happy if the animal, the fire, the sheer ANGER, inside him saved Steve.

But not as they were. He has to put an end to that right now. He’d managed to keep the ring, the little shield that he and Steve had exchanged so long ago. He’d given it to Falsworth to keep when they’d taken him away. Of their cell he’d figured that Falsworth would be the second last person they’d try the experiments with just before Dernier. Dum Dum first as most likely to survive, and Gabe and Morita? They probably would just kill them. Surprising really that they hadn’t already. Told him it was from his little sister to keep him safe.

After the first mission as the Howlies, after dodging Steve’s approaches (and avoiding finding out if they were still sexual or not), he puts the ring on Steve’s cot. It’s overly sentimental, possibly cruel, but he has to get Steve to understand that they’re through.

He’s stripping and cleaning his guns over and over in a type of trance when Steve stomps up to him. Fortunately they’re outside the camp.

“Bucky,” Steve says as he holds out the ring, “Why?”

Bucky puts down the gun, but doesn’t look up. “Why what?”

Steve’s voice is soft, a little broken, “Whaddya mean by givin’ me the ring back. I still got mine.”

“No point it in any more.”

“No point?”

Bucky finally looks up, “NO. POINT. STEVE. Isn’t that what a dame does when she breaks an engagement? Gives the ring back?”

“But, Bucky… We…I don’t wanna…I mean yeah, we know we can never wear them in public, never really get married, but…that don’t mean that I don’t still…”

Bucky chuckles mirthlessly and picks up the gun parts again, fitting them back together as if the conversation doesn’t interest him anymore. “Yeah, well, I don’t.”

“W-what?”

Bucky keeps reassembling the gun when he looks up at Steve. He could do it in his sleep. “Come on, Steve. It was kid’s stuff. Guys don’t do that. It was easy to pretend when you were small and delicate like a girl, but now…this,” he waves a free hand at Steve’s new body, “this just leaves me cold.” He goes back to the guns, picking up a new one to take apart. “’Sides, you got a girl now. Don’t need me to teach you the ropes, and make time with. Got the real thing waiting for you, hot to trot. I’d aim for her myself if she wasn’t so gone on you. Guess she likes the new look.”

Steve scrubs his hands through his hair, and takes a few paces away. “Buck? You…you don’t like the way I look now?” He whirls around suddenly angry, like he’s got the caged animal too. “You said! You said when we first kissed that you knew I wasn’t a dame and you didn’t want a dame! Said it every time we got into bed. Said it—“ softer, “every time you slid into me, that it didn’t matter that I wasn’t a girl, that you loved…me. Was that all a lie?”

“Eh, I dunno. Maybe I meant it at the time. Like I said, kid’s stuff.”

Steve kneels next to Bucky and tries to reach out to touch him. Bucky flinches and pulls away. He only just manages not to bring the gun up between them. “Bucky, please…I still love you. Me and Peggy…nothin’s happened. Nothin’ at all. You can still fuck me like a girl. I’ll be your girl if you want, I just won’t, you know break, or wheeze or nothin’. Didn’t we always say how swell it would be if I wasn’t too sick to get it up half the time?”

Bucky snorts, “God, Steve, you don’t get it. Don’t matter where I stick it, you’re just too big for me to pretend. Go back to your girl. Grab her in your big arms and kiss her hard. Sweep her off her feet. Dames love that.

He saved his killing blow for the last, “You know, your ma, your ma, she knew. Told me ‘fore she died when you were off bein’ sick on the other side of the hospital. Told me what we were doin’ was a sin and that if you were ever gonna’ be normal you’d need to find yourself a real girl and get laid.”

“She knew?” Steve sounds like his heart is breaking. “You’re lying, Bucky Barnes. She’da never said I should get laid.”

“Well, maybe not in those words, but get married, sure. Stop bein’ an invert. She was really worried about that. So, now you gotta. It was her dying wish that you find a nice girl and save your soul. Don’t matter to me—like I said, don’t want you like this.

“God, I need to find me a hot broad soon to take the edge off. I ain’t never paid for it, but next damn brothel we find, I’m hittin’ it with the guys. You should try it if Peggy won’t put out. I’ll treat.”

He packs up the guns in the cloth he’d laid them on, and gets up. He dusts off his trousers and manages to turn and grin in Steve’s tear stained face, “You got a dame, I’ll get me one, and all will be right with the world. You’ll get over it, Steve. Kid’s stuff. Everybody’s gotta get their heart broken once. No hard feelings, right? Give it to Peggy Sue, or whatever her name is. Guess you gotta keep the shield now, since that’s the Captain America trademark, or whatever. I gotta go relieve Gabe on watch. I’m still…your friend. And best, damn sniper you’ll ever have watching your back. Take care.”

He leaves Steve, ignoring the soft sounds of Steve crying, and calling after him, but when Gabe departs, he sits in his nest and sobs. When he sees that Steve’s put a picture of Peggy in his compass he feels relieved. He’s done his duty.


End file.
